You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Any refunds available?…
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Good morning
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.