you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
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We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”