you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
