Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

scared to check what name she chose

Every time.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.