You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
me, after any kind of buffet.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom