Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks