Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

The “research” scene in every horror movie

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.

Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.

*click

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore