Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Laundry is racist!!

Must separate the whites from the colors!!

No delicates allowed?

Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Who’s your best friend?

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.