You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
You Might Also Like
A choir of Spring onions
mariah carrie
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
When you’ve simply given up.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.