You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
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A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I am never leaving this website
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
stop
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”