Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

i think both sides are to blame here

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.