Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Print is alive and well!!!

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”