You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Tough love is true love
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.