Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?