Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.