Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

*jazz hands*

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast