You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
opening a flower shop called women in stem
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Good lord
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”