You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?