You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
me:lmao I saw it on Twitter
them: what’s your Twitter
me: I don’t have Twitter
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Cat.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.