You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
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Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?