You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…