Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

A Short Story.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?