You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I wish this was real life…
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
This story is comedy gold 😂
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.