You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
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If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Cop lights are so pretty at night
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.