Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”