“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
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Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey