Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there