Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?