Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

me and my fake scenarios

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

Order here:
More here:

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost