You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
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Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.