Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

Monica just destroyed the internet

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi