Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Damn he played himself

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

This could be us but you eatin’

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.