Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

Feels like the fourth month in January

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere