You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Lmao
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this