Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.