I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
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*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
This could be us but you eatin’
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.