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What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.