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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
It’s a gift
