You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
You Might Also Like
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
White Castle for the Win
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me, in DM rooms…
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.