You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.