You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.