You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.