You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
repaired
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
PER MY LAST EMAIL
