You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
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Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
A new level of troll.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.