Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

Pigeon open mic night.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food