@Adar79Angie

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

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@thejodiest

Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

@FU_Dad

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

@realbjdunne

[restaurant]

waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you

@lawyerthoughts

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

@mR_Ewe_GuY

My nephew didn’t cry when Mufasa died so I stopped the movie. What is wrong with kids of today?

@sickipediabot

My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.

@jctwritesstuff

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

@causticbob

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

@jeepwave7

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?