You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.