You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately