You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
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Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
TODAY
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman