Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

We don’t deserve birds.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok