You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
What if all the cashiers are married?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me :
All Day At Night
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please