Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?