Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.