Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

LMAO.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”