You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn