Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Mario is a game where you save a girl from the terrible fate of hanging with a dude who owns a castle