You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*