You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.