You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”