Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.