You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!