AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
You Might Also Like
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Sign of the day..
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…