Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
You Might Also Like
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…