Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah