You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
good work, detective
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Nice try, NASA
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”