You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES