You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
12653.
