You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?