You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.