Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Very problematic

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Ooh I do like a good funnel

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.