Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Hear me out: WrestleVania

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

Optional boss fight.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met