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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
😭😭
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?