Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

Love it! 👍😂

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

Cucumbers Anonymous