You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
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*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Breaking news:
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Guilty! 🤪
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.