Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

[couples therapy]

Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…

Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…