Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.